Seven Bells: [ACTION/WRITTEN] Hat Day.

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[Citizens of Luceti may see Archie Kennedy wandering around with a new hat today. It looks a little like something a magician would pull a rabbit out of, but he seems to be enjoying it. He'll be around town today--the library and grocery store during the day, and Good Spirits in the evening. In the afternoon, he'll sit at the fountain to pen a few words.]

I believe morale might improve if we had some sort of goodbye ceremony for those who were returned home. Not a funeral, mind you, just an occasion to remember them, celebrate their return, and hope to join them soon. Perhaps once a month or so, for everyone who left during the month. It's the little things that help one cope, sometimes.

Also, who left a note under my door? I'm afraid I can't read it, or indeed tell if it was even meant for me. I live in Building One, in the first flat on the first floor.

Comments

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[But Archie isn't the type to think himself extraordinary for anything, even the level of his suffering. He knows he's been through nothing no one else has been through, and doesn't assume he's faced any more than anyone else. No, the difference is his own level of strength, his lack of ability to cope with it all stoically like a true officer. This is the longest time he's taken to cry in a long, long time, maybe since shortly after El Ferrol seven years ago.

When he speaks, his voice is so low that it's almost a grunt.]

Most would. Most have.

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

Most people do a lot of things. That doesn't make them correct.

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I've heard it said. Sometimes only because whoever spoke wanted very badly for something not to be true.

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

Or because most people genuinely are too focused on themselves to look closely at the people and things around them.

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Well now. There is truth in that. [He turns enough to look at her. He's not a particularly grotesque crier; in fact, he mostly looks pale and damp-faced with a red nose and eyes. But she is the only person in Luceti besides McCoy to have ever seen him cry. He shakes his head back and forth minutely.]

I can't do this, Jilly. [It's not a plea, just a statement.]

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

[she hesitates, actually focusing on him for a moment]

[softly] Would you like me to go?

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No.

[It's spoken quietly but firmly, and he briefly meets her eyes. It finally strikes him--as a man unaccustomed to being alone, the days spent in his apartment are dreadfully quiet.]

No. Stay, please. I meant...I don't know what I meant. [He rubs his eyes, wishing he had a handkerchief now that the tears had abated.] I've tried to accept this. A new life. Tried not to ruin it, tried to make the best of it, but...I don't want it. I want to go back, and I'll never go back. And I don't understand why--I have everything here I should want. Aside from the infrequent experiment, everything here is perfect.

...It just isn't home.

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

[for a moment she stays still where she's seated. Then, nodding, she'll scoot closer, sitting near him instead of across from him. Just listening.

And, really, she's not sure that she can offer anything else, besides an ear and a shoulder. She doesn't have the answers, either]

It's not perfect. Because it is perfect. We made lives for ourselves, back home. We worked and earned and built relationships. Here...we can only do the last one.

[shaking her head] It's valuable. Everything we do here...it still means something. [she didn't care if they would forget it later or not. It still mattered] But it's not....right.

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[He blinks at her a few times, taking in her words, then gives a humorless smile.]

You Americans. You're like the French Republicans, with your liberty and equality. I was eleven when I first began serving in the navy after hearing how badly I wanted to from my grandfather, and after that...

[He shakes his head softly.] After that, the rest of my life was set in stone. Once I was a midshipman, I could never leave, no matter the tyrant I served under, unless I deserted and risked being caught and hanged. Sometimes I believe my entire life was nothing more than the wish fulfillment of an old man who wanted one boy in his family who could understand him. I wasn't pressed, I wasn't forced, but I don't think I quite made it for myself, either.

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

No one does exactly what they want. [a small smile] Even us Americans.

I just mean...what we did there impacted more than our free time. Maybe it's not the way you would have gone, on your own. But... you fought. You worked. The things you did would have affected people around you. If you didn't do the work...you'd pay the price. Or someone else would have to cover for you.

Here... [she waves a hand] Here there's no incentive to do anything except to stave off boredom. We don't need anything.

Except...we need to need things. We need something to work towards, or we go crazy.

[and that's what made her worry about him so much. Because Luceti had no needs...and he had nothing to strive to go back to. It was merely surviving...and that wasn't enough for anyone]

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Maybe that's it, then. It isn't very different from prison. You read if you have a book. You plan to escape but you never will. Either the war will end or you'll be released, if you don't die in the meantime, and you can only wait. Although at least here there are no walls to speak of. They hardly need them, and they hardly need the barrier.

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

It makes sense....wanting more than this.

[wanting what he'd had]

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...I have Dawn. I have people here I care very much about. I didn't have a sweetheart back home. Never courted anyone, really. The only true friend I had was Horatio.

[And he still is, to a great extent. There will never be another Horatio.]

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

Liking what you have doesn't mean you can't miss what you had.

It was your life, Archie.

[she's not sure why she's arguing with him. She wants him to be happy here. Except... he's already admitted that he isn't. And, in the same breath, tried to blame himself for it. She can't make him magically happy (though she wishes she could), but she wishes she could at least help him see that it was okay not to be.]

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[But that's doing more good than she knows. So much bad in navy life was glossed over with the pretense that it was okay, and hearing that he's not crazy for feeling this way is...it's surprisingly liberating. Tears appear in his eyes again but do not fall. After a second, he wipes them away.]

Yes. It was.

[He clears his throat, the tightness in his chest easing as something inside him finally, finally says goodbye, embracing the past but not clinging to it.]

And so is this, now.

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

[reaching out, she'll rest her hand on his. Just a silent connection]

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[With a smile, he'll take her hand in a light, friendly squeeze.]

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

[she's slow to pull away. When she does, it's to look back at the nearly finished mural of the ship] You know.. I should probably keep my word and finish this.

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I should like that very much. [After an uneasy moment, he takes a deep breath.] You won't tell anyone, will you?

[tehoniongirl.livejournal.com]

I would never.