But I am ashamed. [That lovely dichotomy between what you've heard is true and what you feel.] I think I always will be. But...but I am not ashamed of him, or of his friendship. That a man like Horatio Hornblower would see me as a man even in such a state as I was, Jilly! That alone I can take pride in, if nothing else.

[Shaking off the mindset he'd escaped back into while telling the story isn't easy. He finally looks at her face, reasserting the person he has become since these events.]