simplestgift | Thirty-Six Bells: [Written/Action]

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Thirty-Six Bells: [Written/Action]

[Written:]

In light of my new duties as first lieutenant of the LES Britannia, impending matrimony, and being bloody terrible at running a foodhouse, I shall soon retire as the owner of Cloud Nine. I'd like to continue to work a few shifts, of course, but the club will need new management. Which brave soul will shoulder the task?

-A. Kennedy

[Action only: He is enjoying the last night of the voyage, simply meditating upon the lovely roll of the ship beneath him. It's chilly out, and he can see his breath, but he doesn't mind, wrapped up tightly in his heavy wool greatcoat. Softly he sings a song swallowed by the night, evidenced mainly by the mist of it in the air around his lips.]

The maiden, oh, the maiden oh.
The sailor loves the maiden, oh!
So early in the morning,
The sailor loves the maiden, oh!
A maid that is young,
A maid that is fair,
A maid that is kind and pleasant, oh,
So early in the morning,
The sailor loves the maiden, oh!

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...And yet she isn't here. And I cannot say I have stopped loving her, but I don't believe I could have been happy with hurting her so often. If she never mentioned our problems to you, it's because she didn't even like talking about them with me. She's been through so much, Buffy. She needs someone who carries less weight on his own shoulders, to not add to hers.

[ summers shoulders were built for carrying weight -- particularly that which belonged to other people. in the end, she still is left with the feeling that somehow it was a competition and while elizabeth swann takes the crown, her own champion is left with the consolation prize: pity. ]

Call it irrationality but, my answer? It remains the same. I wish it was hers.

[ the wedding. ]

[Gently:] Perhaps you could at least be happy for me. I know you're not.

I'm trying very hard, Archie. You have to know that much. Every day I wake up and I put myself to work at being a little more happy for the both of you. Every day.

[ she doesn't want to be the thorn in their happiness. she doesn't feel good about her reservations. she doesn't even feel particularly vindicated. just very sad and very guilty and it didn't even help when jack had tried to reassure her that she didn't have to be happy.

the worst part was the disservice she felt she was doing liz. a bride should be able to trust her maid of honour and buffy could go through the motions as though the world depended on it but -- as with so many parts of her life -- her heart was just a beat out of sync with the rest of the world. ]

I don't like being the villain.

You're not the villain, Buffy. But you don't like it, Horatio doesn't like it, Jack doesn't like it, the admiral doesn't like it...I begin to think the only people who think this is a good thing are myself, my bride-to-be, and Jilly.

Edited 2012-09-19 02:37 (UTC)

I think Jack might like it more than the rest of us naysayers. [ it isn't quite a lie. she knows jack has misgivings but they were not so dire as her own. in some ways, she thinks jack might even approve more of this union.

better a doomed-to-split but constant love than an inconstant one divided up by decades. ]

A-and me? Well. I was on the anti-marriage boat long before you got engaged.

Yes. [He hesitates.] And if one of us goes home, my death makes her free of her vows.

And what of you? And your vows? Should she leave? Because...

[ because here was problem the second: buffy knows what awaits elizabeth swann. jack sparrow had as good as wooed her with the fairy tale version of liz and will's romance. ]

Because maid of honour or not, I'm your friend first. And I'm not sure I could accept a version where you didn't keep a bit of freedom yourself.

...I don't believe I could fall in love again if it happened, Buffy. Not after everything.

...Never say never. Just because you can't love the same way you loved the first or the second doesn't mean that -- after that -- you can't love at all.

[ she's fairly certain that she will never love anything on any planet the way she loved angel. but it doesn't cheapen what she has now. it can't. ]

Edited 2012-09-19 02:51 (UTC)

After Dawn, I nearly swore it off altogether. [Romance and sex both.] I think...I would have, if I hadn't met Elizabeth. Even then, how I hesitated! She had to ask me, you know.

[ if only she'd been given a dollar for every time she'd sworn off love... ]

I believe it. [ damned forward, her. and a killer---- ]

It's not a bad thing. To hesitate. Or -- not always a bad thing.

Why, because it put off what has happened in spite of it?

It takes maturity to look before leaping. As long as we look and don't just...stare unendingly at the jump and teeter forever on the edge.

Culture shock disclaimer but...in your shoes? I would've hesitated a bit longer. [ after all, that's what she's doing right now. it'll be a whole year soon and she still hasn't answered jack's proposal. ]

[That quiets and humbles him for a moment.]

Marriage isn't to everyone's taste, Buffy, especially if you don't need to do it at all. I've always wanted it. And I've always wanted children. I knew there was a risk, of course, being in the Navy. And after Simpson...I think for years, I mourned the death of the dream of finding love for myself. As time went on, I began to wonder if it wasn't possible anyway.

I'm more than fortunate. I am blessed to have loved two women, although my faithfulness must be with only one. That two have been strong enough to love me in spite of it all. Most of the time I'm sure I must be the greatest liar who ever lived even when I am honest, or they would understand who I truly am.

...Sometimes, I wonder if my life would have been better if I'd been as discerning as you.

[ that confession comes out a little unexpectedly. she tries to recover with something a little less personal: ] Just because I dislike the whole you-marrying-liz-now thing doesn't mean I disagree with it. If you're a marrying man? Marry away. I promise I'll have nothing but love and congratulations for you on the day.

And you do Jack an injustice if you think your life would have been better if you'd discerned him right out of it. It's not every man who is so devoted to the happiness of the woman he loves.

...Trust me, Jack's not one of the ones I regret. Not that he believes it on a good day. The pair of you seem to have that in common. Go figure.

I've come to wonder if Jack is as damaged as I am. Although a lack of damage doesn't keep Horatio from similar doubts.

The man has his demons. [ and buffy's learned so many of them, now. were there any left? ] But I'd be a terrible not-fiancée if I hinted at them here.

I wasn't asking, only speculating. He hates Horatio--something I understand is someone else's fault besides Horatio's or probably even the Navy's. I don't need to know what happened to understand that much.

[ she could do some speculating of her own. horatio? well -- that one took more guesswork.

but she's certain of other demons. grandmother sparrow in particular. ]

He's been doing so well, lately. Mostly. I'm proud. You weren't here when he was at his worst for the longest span of time -- though I dare say you saw a glimpse of it around this time last year.

Most people don't know about that badness. They call him crazy like it's no big deal. Like it's funny to them.

It isn't funny. During the Seven Days, as he calls them, I certainly hope you didn't hear me call on Horatio begging him to tell me what he did when it was me in Jack's situation. I don't believe Jack is mad. It's a word many use too often to excuse themselves from action, as if he's a hopeless cause.

His mind's not always working like a healthy mind does. Does that make him mad? I dunno. But, on the whole, he's been more sane since he came back after living two years at home.

[ she keeps it vague. she isn't to tell archie that jack hears voices. or that, now, he hallucinates their impossible daughter. or that jack used to have to fights urges to kill her. ]

But I've always made it a point not to write off cases like his as hopeless.

Thank God for women like you.

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